A Taste of Death

I never posted anything on this when it happened, so I want to post it now.

A year ago today, I was admitted into the ICU suffering from Septic Shock. I hadn't been feeling well for three days. I had gotten worse and worse. It started out as pain in my breast, which I attributed to mastitis from breastfeeding. I got the antibiotics the same day it started. However, instead of getting better like the nurses had said I would, I was getting worse. Every time I called the doctors for help they told me to give the antibiotics more time to work. The pain became so great I would not eat, and yet I was throwing up every few hours. I had an infant child I was still trying to feed and I was still going to school.

Two days after the pain started, my doctors finally let me come in for fluids, because Kevin called and freaked out on them. I think they were surprised when I limped into the office. They gave me a fast acting antibiotic and said if I didn't feel better by tomorrow they would help me go to the hospital.

I didn't last the night. At 3 AM the pain was so intense I couldn't take it anymore, and I told Kevin to grab Liam and take me to the ER. We got in, and they started running blood tests. We still thought this was a bad case of mastitis. However, when they took my blood pressure and saw that it was dangerously low, and saw, from the tests, that my kidneys were failing. They said I was in septic shock and would be put into the ICU immediately.

For some reason I don't remember much after that about my hospital stay. Lots of bright lights, quick decisions, signatures, needles, and drugs.

I ended up getting a central line connected from my neck to my heart that pumped antibiotics. I had four IV lines in, and I had to be given oxygen. I spent three days in there.

The doctors said, once I was able to think straight again, that if I had not come in when I did they didn't think they would've been able to save me. They had never seen a case like mine and had been up several nights trying to figure out how to save my life. And those doctors, truly did, save my life. I was told by several nurses that I was the youngest person in the ICU they had ever seen suffering from Shock.

After almost a week in the hospital, I was allowed to go home. I just remember being achy everywhere. I also had to have a PICC line installed in my shoulder, so I (or should I say Kevin) could continue giving me antibiotics through an IV.

For the next several months, I struggled with everyday life. My mom and dad couldn't stay to take care of me, because I had seven siblings at home that needed them too. Friends (beautiful, amazing, friends) and a few of Kevin's awesome siblings came to help me for the first few weeks. They helped me so much. I was so defeated to have to ask for help, but I really couldn't do it.

I couldn't eat much. Couldn't lift Liam by myself. I couldn't walk well. And every few hours I needed to be given antibiotics. Seriously... I was on so many different antibiotics and pain meds that I can't tell you any of their names.  I ended up losing about 30 pounds because of all this. Which put me at about a hundred pounds.

I ended up having another abscess form in my breast a month later. It ended up exploding out of my skin (gross stuff).  I have a permanent scar there. A few months after that, I started losing handfuls of hair and suffered from severe vitamin D deficiency. Luckily, many doctors coached me through and these new worries subsided after a few months.

I look back at this time and I remember a ghost of a girl. She cried every night, couldn't sleep without waking up in a puddle of her own sweat, couldn't leave the house, couldn't lift her arm up because of bruising, and only could hold her baby if someone gave him to her. She thought she was dying everyday and that it wouldn't get better. She thought God had forgot about her again. She piled up the trials in her life, and said that no God would've given so much to her to bear.

I'm 23 and I've... gotten married, had a son, had a stillborn son, had a literal near death experience, and I graduated from college. Man, I'm tired. I sometimes feel like I've aged in decades more than individual years since graduating high school. Real life is hard, and I mean it. haha.

But looking back at this particular experience, a year later, I find myself in tears. I did get better. I can lift my arm. I can lift my kid. Heck, I can run again (like a goof, but still)! All things have their time, and they shall pass.

The Lord allowed me to stay in this world. He let me regain my strength. He sent angels to help me as I struggled. He made sure I had a man like Kevin to bear things with me. He let me see how everyday is a gift and how fast life can pass before our eyes. I'm not very good at putting my feelings into words, but I testify of the divine mercies of the Lord. He may not give everything back the way it was. Like I will probably never be able to breastfeed again, but I'm ok. The Lord is good. And I have faith that He only gets better as we continue to serve Him. Christ is where my strength comes from, and with that, I will never be weak.

A picture I took of my little family before we left Utah. 

This is me taking a shower at the hospital... because of all the IV lines, I could only use a shower cap thing and some soap wipes. Oh and don't worry, I told Kev to take the picture. I thought I looked ridiculous. 

Last day in the hospital. I told Kev I wanted lots of pictures, and I
wanted to be smiling in all of them.

So this is all the crap I was on for like two months afterwards! 

This is what I'm talking about... so like on top of all the people coming to help us.
People gave us these little gifts too. It touched us in so many ways. 

Little Liam and his mommy. I got obsessed with taking pictures of us
together after everything, because I realized I could've died and
didn't have many pictures with him. I've since calmed down.

.

Falling into Fall

Everyday life here is quite amazing. I must say that there is beauty all around. This last week, we celebrated my 23rd birthday. When did I get that old? Man, I still feel like my 19 year old self. Kevin went above and beyond to make the day special for me.

I awoke to muffins and waffles ready on the table for me. My kid was even already fed. After breakfast, Kevin let me run and get ready for the day. He then told me that he was taking the day off work! Liam went for a nap and Kevin told me I wasn't to leave my bedroom until he told me I could. After being blindfolded, Kevin led me downstairs and told me that "Elefun" the elephant brought me some presents but that I had to find them. Kevin made up this fun game where he threw slits of paper down from the landing and I had to catch one to know where to look for a present. I had two minutes to find it, before "elefun" thought I was ungrateful and returned it. Haha. There was way more gifts than I thought, and they were way more impressive than I expected. Kevin seemed to have remembered several things I had mentioned throughout our marriage that I would want someday. I was amazed and very spoiled.

He then took me to a pet shop where I got to pet some kitties. I also got treated to a yummy Italian dinner at a new place. It was really fancy and great. Next time, I vote to go without our kiddo though. He wasn't as big of a fan as we were with the food.

Anywho, it was great. This last weekend, our little clan went out to a pumpkin patch near us. It was super fun. The farm was really cute and I found myself asking permission to shoot family pictures there... answer to come. Fall is by far my favorite time of year. However, Washington is making it hard to enjoy the fall weather with all the rain. Something we will have to get used to. I still make Kevin take me and Liam on walks in the evenings, rain or shine. I've gotten pretty good at holding an umbrella over both Kev and I.

This week holds a lot of fun stuff. I get to do a family shoot. And I get braces!! I know this might sound weird, but I've actually wanted braces since I was in 5th grade (I had a big gap). But because of finances behind having 9 children (quite understandable), my parents were not able to give them to me as a kid. When I went to college, I told myself I would have straight teeth for my wedding day... but then I got married after my freshman year. haha. I made Kevin promise to give me braces someday... he agreed and now it's finally being fulfilled. I'm so excited! Braces, I've been told, are an uncomfortable and not fun experience... but I am soooo grateful that I even get this opportunity to have them that I don't think I'll mind. I have always been and currently am a very weird kid. No pain, no gain.

SO MANY BLESSINGS!!

Other than that, I figured I'd include a little thing about October's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness going on... Obviously, this month is supposed to be about making sure the public is aware of the losses that occur with miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant losses. October 15th, my birthday, is the day of remembrance.

I always thought it was a weird month awareness. I didn't think too much about it, even after the loss of my Eden. Eden just was a part of my family, and I didn't feel like I needed to do something about it. However, it has become clearer since the first year after having Eden that a lot of people do not think before they speak. Haha. Miscarriage is a real, painful, and emotionally draining event. A stillbirth is a depressing, perplexing, and tear-stained circumstance. And an infant loss... I can only imagine.

As one of the many women that deal with issues and losses, I find that I don't want to be in silence to the blessings and the tears involved with these. I kinda feel like I am forced to be open about it, because all of my losses happen so late (happening after the grand announcement). I don't need pity, I just want to make sure people know that I have two boys, and that, this year, I was supposed to have another child in December. People make it awkward when you talk about it, but death is a fact of life. It happens. It will happen. The only thing the living can do for the dead is to remember them (there are a few other things, but you have to go back to remembering them first).

It's ok to remember hardships, sometimes those hardships are what pushed you to go further, and made you want to be better. To the women who suffer losses such as mine... isn't that sky beautiful? Those birds make the prettiest of tunes. Enjoy this life. It's beautiful. I go back to my thoughts about braces... life, "I've been told, [is] an uncomfortable and not fun experience... but I am soooo grateful that I even get this opportunity to [live] it." No pain, no gain.

Love you all and thank you to all those who remember my little Eden. Thank you for not putting me in awkward moments on purpose, and for understanding that everyday I still am trying to understand the life God gave me.

My biggest blessings!

A New Life...

So I'm back on the blog. It's only been over a year, right? Nothing too long.

Life has finally settled down for my little Hinton clan. This last year was a crazy one. We welcomed our little boy, Liam, into our family in September (of last year). We actually just got to celebrate his first birthday. Time sure flies.

Kevin and I graduated from Brigham Young University! Which was quite the accomplishment, given our last year. It was an amazing feeling to graduate. I can't believe I did it. I had so many doubts and lack of motivation, but I did it! So did Kevin, but I'm the writer so I tend to focus more on me. Haha.

We moved out of Provo, Utah and headed to Washington state. This is where our new chapter will begin! We are renting a cute little house that is perfect for us. Liam already has determined he is comfortable enough to venture anywhere in the house. He goes up and down the stairs effortlessly... nowadays if I turn my head for too long, he will suddenly be upstairs playing in his room by himself. He is so adorable.

This summer came and went extremely fast. I
 think that's what happens with a move. We got up here, looked for a home, found a home, waited to move in, moved in, and then tried to settle in. The summer was just gone the next thing we knew! I was lucky to have relatives come and visit us. Both on my side and Kev's side. It was such a wonderful experience to have people in our home. I never really got to be host in my apartment very often, so I find that it's actually fun. I sometimes feel like I'm actually playing the real "house" game! I have a baby and a house and everything! It's unreal.


I don't want to sugar coat my blog too much, so I'm also going to include our latest hardship as well as these blessings. About two months ago, I had a miscarriage during my 2nd trimester (17 weeks). It was rather devastating and I still find myself not fully over it, both physically and mentally. I won't go into too much detail, because of that fact... BUT I have faith that there will be a post somewhere in the future where I express God's plan in all of it. I am grateful for that knowledge and the comfort that can and will be found. Babies and children are truly a gift, and I am reminded of that, yet again, through this experience. Liam is my miracle on Earth and I will always be so grateful for being able to be his mother.

On happier notes, I find myself in a state of being busy again. After a month of doing nothing but binge watching netflix and little Li, I am now active. I have goals and things I am doing at all times. Even in my patriarchal blessing, it strongly suggests that I need to be actively doing things. I'm back to writing my book (how many years will go into this thing?!), art projects, photo projects, and now I'm looking for a sewing project. Surprisingly, it works wonders with my attitude and my perspective. Yay for to-do lists! (Wow, I've grown into a weird woman.)

My little one year old. When did you get teeth and so much hair?!

Kevin likes his new job. Microsoft is such a neat place to work, and the benefits are amazing. Kevin currently enjoys playing ping pong with his coworkers at lunch and is busying all the time as well. If it's not his own app projects, I have home projects for him too. He has made my backyard beautiful and well managed. He has also helped me paint Liam's room and one of our bathrooms. He also has fixed a toilet, fridge water dispenser, and two ceiling fans. He is becoming quite the handy man in our house.

That's us for now. There's a lot of things coming our way, so another post should be coming up here soon. I don't have a lot of photos as of late. I blame the fact that my phone got too full of pictures, and wouldn't let me take anymore. (Don't worry Kev fixed it... now.)

Grandma, Papa, and Kayla on a ferry! They were my first visitors!!!

Um... yeah. I look like a mess, but my son is the cute one in the picture. 

My little sister with my son. Crazy! They are so cute together

My brother and the hairdo he did on my boy. Nice!

All my brothers play football, but I only got a picture with Jackson this year.
I know what you're thinking, "she has some good genes"
To that I say, "well yes, yes I do" ;)