A Touch of Eden

So I decided about a month ago that today's post wouldn't be like many of my other ones. Today, I just want to try to fully express myself...

One year ago today, a baby arrived into Kevin and I's family. Our firstborn. My husband and I knew that our son wasn't going to come to Earth for any lengthened amount of time. The doctors had all warned us that there was no way the baby could survive, and, in fact, I remember one doctor telling us that she could and would abort the baby the next day if we so desired. But this was our baby. We wanted this baby to live and we knew it was alive. We loved it, no matter what. After public tears and private tears, we decided to wait for our miracle.

Our Little Miracle Arrives!

The Lord has said that if you ask, you shall receive. He has never let me down with that statement. I found myself in the weeks to follow, in a gulf of humility. I never thought of myself as boastful or prideful, but I never knew what true humility felt like. You feel so powerless, yet hopeful. I'd be lying if I said most of my prayers were not for my baby to be healed. I was so hopeful that he would be healed. I promised to love my baby, I promised to teach what was right and to be patient and endearing. I promised to read my scriptures everyday and never forget to pray. Beyond the promises, I petitioned the Lord too. Asking, what I had done to deserve something like this? Had I not woken up for 6 am seminary every day? Had I not been a good enough friend to someone? Had I not been married in the temple? Had I not kept my covenants, prayed, fasted, and searched the scriptures? Did I not love my family enough? It just didn't make sense, I deserved this miracle. I sacrificed so much of my 20 year old life for my Heavenly Father, why would he abandon me now?

I don't know the answers to everything, and I'm not claiming to, but I'm telling you... God knows what he's doing and don't doubt it, be faithful. The doctors had told us that our baby had one week at the most to live when we found out he was sick. My son, Eden, ended up living for another two months. I spent most of those two months praying for him to stay longer, and every week at our ultrasound he just continued to get worse. But I loved him, and I wanted him. I loved his little heartbeat, and I worried about the day I wouldn't hear it.

About the time I finally accepted God's will for Eden and my little family, Kevin and I went to an ultrasound where they could no longer find his little heartbeat. Eden had passed through the veil and was no longer with us. Both of us, after two months of trying to prepare for this, wept in front of everyone that day. I hate crying in front of people, I'm one to try to laugh it off. And although I tried to make everyone feel comfortable with a smile through my tears, I couldn't fake my pain. We were to begin the labor process as soon as possible.

Family came to be with us for our little Eden Garth's arrival. I was 28 weeks along, so I would need to deliver him as any other baby. One year ago today, I was hooked up to pitocin and began labor for a little angel's body. He arrived in the evening, and I can't express the feelings of the moments that followed.

I can only say that I saw him. My beautiful baby boy. After months of worrying that I wasn't really his mother, and that he would never even know me, I knew, as I held him, that he loved me and was thankful for keeping him and sealing him as a member of our family. I saw my husband and our parents hold my baby, and love him. I fell more in love with the man I married as I watched him cradle a very special baby in his arms and love him as much as I loved him.

There are many points in life where I know I feel like the prophet Joseph Smith when he asked "Oh God, where art thou? ... How long shall [thy servants] suffer these wrongs... before thine heart shall be softened toward them?..."

And as the bleakness in life becomes what might seem unimaginable, the Lord comforts simply saying, "Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment".

In the days that followed, I buried my perfect boy and found peace that I thought I would never again have. In the weeks to follow, I found out that I have loved ones and people looking out for me that I didn't even know I had. I have never seen so many people reach out to me. Some of those individuals did wonders for me.

For some reason we, as human beings, magnify our bad days. Good days are never good enough, but boy are those bad days bad. Although I had plenty of bad days, after having Eden, I have had my share of great ones as well.

We are so blessed in this world, all of us. I was blessed a year ago to have my Eden join my family. God didn't abandon me when He sent me a special little one and didn't heal him. He was blessing me with a chance to find the miracle I needed. I love my son more than I thought was possible. Sometimes, I really can't believe I survived losing him... because when I found out he was sick, I thought it was something I couldn't bear. Here I am though, and Eden is patiently waiting for his crazy mommy and daddy to make it to the Kingdom above.

I can't imagine the pain God felt as he let his Son, Jesus Christ, die for others. But I do know that I would've done anything to save my son, and how selfless and all-knowing God must be to have held His hand for the sake of us all. He gave me and Kevin a son to love, and a promise: that if we do what is right and endure to the end, we will get the opportunity to raise him someday. I am comforted in my Heavenly Father's love and know that this experience was to shape me and my husband. We needed to be molded to be become better individuals. And how grateful we are for the opportunity that we had to be shaped by a little angel like Eden.

Happy First Birthday, my dearest Eden Garth!
You have helped me see the world in a new light and have taught me more about life and living than anyone. You showed me that I can do hard and seemingly impossible things. Your father and I love you more everyday.